breakfast in space

Abandon the table
And find a new place
We’ll lift off this morning
For breakfast in space

You check the thrust engines
I’ll brew up the tea
It’s pancakes for breakfast
In no gravity

We’ll settle in orbit
And eat our grapefruit
When Mercury comes by
We’ll wave in salute

Abandon the placemats
And all that rat race
This morning we’re having
Our breakfast in space

bathing round the campfire

Bathing round the campfire
Like the pioneers
Lather up the lye soap
To wash behind the ears

With a rubber ducky
Bert carved out of wood
You can squeeze it real hard
But it don’t squeak real good

Water’s getting hotter
Over by the toes
Water by my behind
Is getting kind of froze

I like my campfire bathtub
Ordered it from Sears
Bathing round the campfire
Just like the pioneers.

lay down on a table

Lay down on a table
Get up if you’re able
And if you can’t get up again
We’ll call this day the bitter end

It’s nice that you are here
And all your family dear
So many other friends come by
But you’re unable to say Hi

Open up those eyes
So you can see these guys
If you won’t look at those who came
It might be time to feed the flame

You have to pay some cash
To turn yourself to ash
If back from ash you want to come
There is no affordable sum

when did mister b decide

When did Mister B decide
That he was thru with his old neck
And make with just a piece of rope
His head and body to connect?

When you have a neck of rope
It’s hard to keep your head up straight
It’s best to lie down in a box
Stay very still, and meditate

On why a neck of rope is so
Much better than a neck of bone.
Because you made a neck of rope
The rest of us have heads of stone

i went to the top of the stair

I went to the top of the stair
When I got to the top, it’s not there
The place that I went wasn’t there

I went to the musical show
When it began there was no music, though
There was silence instead of the show

I went to the place where I work
But I couldn’t find it in the murk
I couldn’t see where I would work

I went to hang out with my chum
But my good friend did not even come
I didn’t hang out with my chum

I took a quick look in the mirror
When I looked, I was not standing here or
Any place else in the mirror

the pencils are rolling across the floor

The pencils are rolling across the floor
They’re rolling across some more some more
The pencils are rolling across the floor
They’re rolling across the floor

The floor is rolling into the sea
It’s rolling away from you and me
The floor is rolling into the sea
Is rolling into the sea

The sea is rolling back to the land
It’s rolling faster than we can stand
The sea is rolling back to the land
Is rolling back to the land

The land is rolling back into the pencil
The whole strange process is making me mental
The land is rolling back into the pencil
Is rolling back into the pencil

one hundred pomes

One hundred pomes
Are at the door
I think that this
Signifies war

One hundred pomes
A battering ram
The door stands tall
The door falls BAM

One hundred pomes
And they are here
The pomes have guns
And I have fear

One hundred pomes
Against one me
There’s no way out
That I can see

One hundred pomes
I have a plan
For after all
I am human

One hundred pomes
Here’s a new one -
And I wrote it
It says I won!

december pome

I couldn’t remember
The month of December
I thought that November
Just came twice
If I disremember
A month like December
I could start with September
And just add ice.

i am telling you the story

I am telling you the story
Of the toast and the two thirds
But I’ll have to use my numbers
For I did not bring my words

It all started on a Wednesday
Which is number eighty-three
And the characters are five and six
And eight and nine and me

We got in a situation
Which is number one oh two
And it won’t be twenty-five or three
What would a poor four do?

And the toast had ten sharp cheddars
Which is kind of a disease
For I ran out of my numbers
And I had to use my cheese.

I haven't seen Jason

I haven’s seen Jason in such a long time
We used to call Jason “Champ”
He used to do so well at all kinds of sports
But now he’s a parking ramp

He used to come first place in every race
Jason was so fleet of the feet
He pitched and he scored and he ran the football
But now he’s some piles of concrete

I did not recognize him on Saturday night
As we took a spot in his space
But as we drove off I saw so very clear
That ramp did have Jason’s squat face

Whenever I come up to Jason the ramp
He never says “Hi” or my name
I greet him with “Jason, how goes it today?”
But he doesn’t care to explain.

we had such thanksgiving dinner

We had such thanksgiving dinner
We ate more than we were able
To eat; in fact, we ate it all -
We also ate the table

It was there when we started
And filled with all our spread
But when dinner was ended
It wasn’t where we said

I don’t remember biting
Into the legs and all that wood
But we ate so many other things
If any would, we could

And now I think of Christmas
And future dinners to prepare
I’ll have to look for recipes
For carpet and for chair.

i forgot to say thank you on thanksgiving day

I forgot to say thank you on thanksgiving day
I said please, you’re welcome, and anoint
If you fail to say thank you on thanksgiving day
You’re missing the entire point

I didn’t thank Buster or Judy or George
For the delightful meal that they made
Nor did I the national department store chain
For showing me such a parade

I forgot to say thanks when they opened the door
And thank you again when they closed it
And I didn’t give thanks when they gave me three cheers
Tho in truth I must say I opposed it.

I didn’t thank Linda for washing the dishes
Or Gertrude for driving me home
And, here is another I really messed up,
Thanked you for reading this pome.

i went to the meeting

I went to the meeting
It was all the air and I
There were no other people
Not a single gal or guy

I called the meeting started
All the air kept very still
We made some tough decisions
We didn’t willy nill.

I kept to the agenda
The air didn’t seem to mind
But I disagreed on one point
And that put us in a bind

The air was the tie-breaker
But it would not side with me
So I tabled that one motion
On a technicality

We called the meeting over
Myself and all the air
And we prided our efficiency
As we got up from the chair.

war on feet

I do not have a reason
I sit here in my seat
I search for deeper meaning
I declare war on my feet

I need a demonstration
Of my powers of athlete
I raise my guns and weapons
And declare war on my feet

I need to bomb and mangle
And turn them into meat
And that is what I do when
I make war upon my feet

I need to hear the hush
And the silence of defeat
When I show my greater power
And win the war upon my feet

I need to see the multitudes
On the day that they will greet
When I return in victory
From my great war on my feet

i made some jelly

I made some jelly
To give to you
I made it from glue
And from an old shoe
I made some jelly
And now it’s done
It was shot from a gun
And it’s served in a bun

I made some jelly
And didn’t stop
I needed a prop
That was over the top
I made some jelly
And now it’s gone
I sang it a song
And it said so long

if i had a spoon

If I had a spoon
I could ride it to the moon
I could play the unknown tune
I could even eat my soup

If I had a spoon
I could read the ancient rune
I could ride the wild loon
I could eat all of my cereal

If I had a spoon
I could tame the wild goon
I could stand as tall as noon
I could eat all of my pudding

If I had a spoon
I could see the future soon
I could take up all the room
I could even stir my tea

mouth/brain race

The mouth and brain are at
The starting block today
The gun fires and they’re off!
The big race underway

The mouth pulls out ahead
Those lips can really flap
It easily bests the brain
By what must be a lap

The brain isn’t so sure
It has to think things out
If mouth weren’t so far ahead
“Go Brain!" is what I’d shout

At the finish line
Mouth has a victory grin
But those aren’t teeth, they’re toes;
Mouth has a foot within.

i gave a speech

I gave a speech
At the speaker’s talking hall
But when I was done
There was no applause at all

I gave my speech,
All the audience was rapt
But at my finale
Not a single person clapped

My speech was good
And especially that last phrase
Summed it up so well
It deserved some clapping praise

The odor then arrived
To the nose upon my head
Nobody clapped
Because my audience was dead

i don't have fifty millions

I don’t have fifty millions
Or a super sonic home
I just have my wishes
And this torn and tattered pome

I don’t have skyscrapers
Made of rigid Styrofoam
I just have some itches
And I have this stupid pome

I don’t have vast acres
On which my bike can roam
I just have this head cold
In addition to this pome

I don’t have a styling crew
That all my hair can comb
I just have my belly aches
And this somewhat tiresome pome

I don’t have enough nickels
To fill the astrodome
I just have a few more tissues
And the last words of this pome.

i am sinking in the sea

I am sinking in the sea
Because a whale struck my tub
And as I sink beneath the waves
I am singing rub a dub

I like to bathe at sea
Because adventure is for me
But when your bath is not on land
Things don’t always go as planned

A whale struck my bathtub
But it didn’t mean to do it
And now I’m sinking in the sea
Wearing just my birthday suit.

And so I’m singing as I sink
Into the depths of the great drink
For that is the fate of me
Who took his bathtub to the sea

a goat got in my throat

A goat got in my throat
And it is eating many an oat
And it is eating my old shoes
Its beard tickles when it chews

A goat got in my throat
And it is rowing a rubber boat
Going down my esophagus
While I’m riding on a bus

A goat got in my throat
And it’s wearing my favorite coat
It invited in the sheep
And I can’t get any sleep

A goat got in my throat
But I’m writing it a note
The note doesn’t say hello
It says the goat has got to go

the sun is a cucumber

The sun is a cucumber,
I know this fact quite well
And the football team will practice
In the bottom of the well
The weather calls for Charlie
The third floor is down below
And I read it in the paper
But which paper, I don’t know.

The war is made of matches,
The election is on ice
The moon manufactures napkins
And the naughty are all nice
The pope has no eyelashes
And the nurses have too many
And I read it in the paper
But which paper? Could be any

The rudest cads are charming
And the children have old age
And I know up is a downer
Cause I read it on some page
I know how many toenails
I know phlegm is served in shoes
I know everything is nothing
Cause I read it in the news

i purchased brand new curtains

I purchased brand new curtains
At the store, like anyone
I did not put them on the windows
I installed them on the sun

I used my longest ladder
And my insulated hat
Set the curtain rod on Mercury
And hung the drapes like that

I think the sun would like them
If it had a sense of taste
They have purple polka dots
And they are edged in fancy lace

If it’s morning, and I’m ready
For my shopping or my job
I can leave the curtains open
For myself, and Lynn and Bob

But if I am feeling tired
Or want to sleep in with my honey
I reach beyond the top clouds
And pull the curtains on the sunny

p.o.v.

I have many possessions
You have many, too
I have curtains, hands, eyelashes
But I lack a point of view

I am lacking in perspective
But that isn’t all so bad
If I do not have a viewpoint
I just really can’t get mad

It’s not that I can’t whistle
And you standing there I see
But the thing that I am lacking
Is a basic P.O.V.

Ask me my impression
And I’ll say that I have none
Ask me once again and I
Will say this pome is done.

i have my own space station

I have my own space station
I keep it in the shed
Once I get it into orbit
I will live in there instead

It has a space age kitchen
With a space age kitchen sink
It has a shiny toaster
That is completely made of zinc

It has a media center
And a long extension chord
Each tissue has a magnet
So it won’t go overboard

I’m not so good at plumbing
So the water doesn’t run
And it doesn’t have a light bulb
But there always is the sun

I will invite you over
For some space station tea
And we can play some checkers
In zero gravity

my house is a fast house

My house is a fast house
But it’s not as fast as yours
When you pass me on the right
We’ll wave from our Dutch doors

My house won some races
But that was long ago
These days my house goes trotting
When it wants to make a show

I put my house to pasture
But the ‘burbs just weren’t for it
My house prefers the busy lanes
And all that city grit

My house was such a good one
Until it saw that mouse
It startled so, it broke a leg
And I had to shoot my house.

i cannot leave the bedroom

I cannot leave the bedroom
For I’m lacking many a finger
I cannot turn the doorknob
So I think that I will linger

I cannot leave this city
For I do not have a ticket
I guess that I will join it
For it’s obvious I won’t lick it

I cannot leave the drug store
For I do not have my bearing
Between the aisles and boxes
I will do all of my daring

I cannot leave this planet
For I do not have a rocket
I will try to find amusement
With the contents of my pocket.

i had to call a plumber

I had to call a plumber
To fix some of my pipes
My body started leaking
And I had to yell out Cripes!

The plumber had a submarine
To plumb my inner space
He entered from the mouth hole
In the middle of my face

He updated me at intervals
I waited in between
He told me that the leakage
Was the worst that he had seen

He fixed all of my plumbing
And he didn’t make me ill
But then I had a heart attack
When he handed me the bill.

hope is the thing with mustard

Hope is the thing with mustard
We eat it in a bun
And if we still are hungry
We can have another one

Hope is the thing with slippers
She wears them late at night
And if you disagree with her
You never want to fight

Hope rises like the sunshine
To say it is the day
And if you tell me otherwise
I tell you it’s that way

Hope is the thing with pencils
So I can tell you so
It’s where we have to go to
When it is time to go

racing the sun

We’re ready at the starting block
The blazing sun and me
The spectators can’t watch
Because the sun’s too bright to see

The sun is sliding in the sky
While I run on the land
Neck and neck, we reach a town
And the folks give us a hand

By midday, we’re still even
But the sun is getting hot
Some might say the sun is cheating
But I say that it is not

By mid-afternoon, I’m fading
While the sun slides down so fast
The sun has opened up a lead
I don’t know if I’ll last

Sun reaches the horizon
And takes the light away
I can’t even see the finish line
What’s the use, anyway?

I’m so tired I don’t need a bed
All night I dream the burn
I might race the sun again some day
For little do I learn.

i'm watching myself closely

I’m watching myself closely
I think I am a spy
I find myself in closets
And looking way too sly
I have a sneaky kneecap
I have a private eye
I’m watching very closely
I think I am a spy

I’m starting not to trust me
Who am I spying for?
I’m lurking in the bedroom
Hiding behind the door
I’m sifting thru my underwear
And listening thru the floor
I don’t know if I trust me
Who am I spying for?

Some spies could sink the country
I have to spy on me
I could be spying for the French
Or for some enemy
I might be a secret agent
From XY or KGB
I cannot let me from my sight
I have to spy on me

time for the violins

The grey clouds of economy
Perform slow motion torture
And this global warming winter
Looks like it will be a scorcher
It’s time for the violins, the violins, the violins
It’s time for the violins and sax

Resounding vote for tyranny
By Californiacators
The comedian and the joker
Are tied with the potatoes
It’s time for the violins, the violins, the violins
It’s time for the violins and sax

The burning and the wasting
And the global suicide
Make me want to stand up tall
And very quickly hide
It’s time for the violins, the violins, the violins
It’s time for the violins and sax

the kids have me surrounded

The kids have me surrounded
They’re carrying a knife
They’re calling me their schoolyard names
They’re threatening my life

I really am much taller
They come up to my knees
But there just are so many
And they laugh at my pleas

They want all of my money
But I don’t have enough
They say they’ll stab my kneecaps
These children are so rough

If only I could fool them,
Distract them with some trick,
But the future holds me hostage
And I feel a little sick.

i didnt' get elected

I didn’t get elected
Tho I ran a clean campaign
The people didn’t vote for me
What are they all, insane?

I made the better promises
I didn’t criticize
And when I made my speeches
I looked into their eyes

I had a catchy slogan
And wrote it on my sign
And whose outfits were better
The answer? They were mine!

The votes have all been tallied
Election day is done
I might have done much better
If I’d actually run.

You don't have to vote

You don’t have to vote
if you’re a bagel with cream cheese
You don’t have to vote
if you’re the germ of some disease
You don’t have to vote
if you’re a ship on rocky shores
You don’t have to vote
if you’re the zero of some scores
You don’t have to vote
if you’re a tiny speck of dust
You don’t have to vote
if you’re some orange flaking rust
You don’t have to vote
if you’re a silly stuffed giraffe
You don’t have to vote
if you’re the chuckle of some laugh.
You might as well be all these things,
some toast, a germ, a boat
If you happen to be a person
and you fail to cast a vote.

Do Not Vote for Elbow

Do not vote for Elbow
He did not earn your vote
He does not practice hygiene
He smells just like a goat

His promises are empty
And few of them make sense
He promises more matches
And pickets for your fence

His negative campaigning
Is also so untrue
He does not smear his opponents
He smears both me and you

His speeches are ridiculous
And never seem to end
He looks so darn unfriendly
When he refers to you as “friend.”

He did not visit your town
By train or bus or boat
But if you decide to vote for him
I guess it is your vote.

this is my wrong to you

i'm wronging you this little song
cause I can't get it right
i tried to write it yesterday
and nearly all last night
i want to say some kinds of things
and say them in a song
but when the pen hits paper i am
getting them all wrong

i want to tell you that you're swell
but it comes out like swill
i want to call you Betty
but i end up saying Bill
i want to say your eyes are pools
but it comes out like pails
i want to sing it gently
but i hammer you with nails

i write until my fingers turn
a shade of cherry red
and when i've used up all my thoughts
this song is all i've said
i know it isn't very good
and isn't very long
i'll sing it in no proper key -
i hope you like this wrong.

blue bike

You saw the garage door
Wide open
In anything but a grin
I was so many years ago
On a boat or a train
And then you said something
And I returned to bed
I looked out
From the second story window
I couldn’t see anything.

We had to walk down the stairs
Like a scary movie
1 a.m.
The garage door was so open
But all it had to say was black
You saw my helmet on the ground
I had to pick it up
I couldn’t see anything
I couldn’t see my bicycle
You couldn’t either

The next morning
You saw the cut padlock
In the hostas
And then we could write
Our police report

i had to make a bridge

I had to make a bridge to get
Across the open place
Because I had no bridge supplies,
I made it with my face.

I went a little further until
I got to the chasm wide
There was no bridge, so I made one
From the guts from my inside.

There was a little valley
But there was no bridge out there
So I made my own by tying
Body parts up with my hair.

The final bridge that I made
Was to cross the serious sea
When I got to the other side
There was no more of me.

i asked the flowers to dance with me

I asked the flowers to dance with me
But they just looked askance at me
I asked them if they’d take a look
But they kept reading their flower book
I asked them if they’d like a kiss
It seemed like they did not hear this
I asked them what they wanted to eat
But they just stood there in the heat.

I asked the flowers to sing with me
But they wouldn’t do a thing with me
I asked them to the movie show
But all they did was stand and grow
I asked them to go to a play
But all they wanted was to stay
I told them to look at the moon
But they closed up their little bloom.

somebody's pulling my leg

Somebody’s pulling my leg
And somebody’s pulling my arm
And somebody’s pulling my other leg
And my other arm, and my head by my neck.

Somebody’s pulling me this way
And somebody’s pulling me that
And somebody’s pulling me that way and this way
And north way and south way and east and west too.

Something has got my ear
And something has got my eye
And something has got my hands and my feet
And my toenails and fingers and torso and movements.

Somehow has taken my life
And packaged it into a series
And added commercials and complete product placement
And all I have to do is buy it.

there was a revolution

There was a revolution
And my eyelids went on strike
And my nostrils staged a walkout
My contract they did not like
And my mouth is saying nothing
My elbows in sympathy
And my legs won’t cross the picket line
Oh woe oh woe is me.

We entered negotiations
With our expectations high
I represented management
And I am a giving guy
But the body parts were greedy
And their agent was my skull
And the contract talks were, shall we say
Nothing at all like dull.

The picket signs were painted
“Down with Me!” is what they say
And the final contract deadline
Is ending with the dawning day
The strike began this morning
Neither party wants to bend
And if my heart walks out on me
This may just be the end.

i wrote a list

I wrote a list to save my mind
From all that memory
But where I put that list of things
Is not so plain to see.

I did not put it in my hat
Or inside my left shoe
And without the list to remember where
I don’t know what to do.

The list had all my passwords
And the names of all my friends
It had my city and my state
And most of my loose ends.

But now I cannot find it
And that puts me in a bind
For losing that important list
I’ve pretty near lost my mind.

i threw a little party

I threw a little party
But I did not invite myself
I did invite the Humphreys
And their acrobatic elf.

I invited all the Baileys
Because they always bring nice beer
I sent invites to the Nellies
So I hope they will appear.

I invited Jim and Martha
For they always dress in style
Asked for R.S.V.P from Georgie
For he has the nicest smile.

I invited just the nicest folks
Here is the list, you see?
But of all the folks I did invite
I guessed I just missed me.

i did not perform upon the stage

I did not perform upon the stage
The stage performed on me
It told some jokes and sang some songs:
Something you had to see.
It put the other acts to shame
So I didn’t even try
I held the stage up for its act
While on my back I lie.

The stage could do some sleight of hand
Made rabbits disappear
And juggled flaming ten pins
And pulled quarters from an ear.
The audience was going wild
And clapping with their hands
While I just held the whole thing up
By playing the grandstands.

The show was going overtime
The stage just would not quit
The audience was loving it
The stage had made a hit.
But rehearsal didn’t last so long
And it could have been my age
The theater all came tumbling down
When I couldn’t support the stage.

the window had a headache

The window had a headache
And it groaned and muttered so
And I fed it several aspirin
But its headache wouldn’t go.

On the street, all of the streelamps
And the houses, trees and robins
Twisted, tumbled in contortions
From the window’s headache throbbings.

I gave it some words of comfort
And I did apply hot towel
But my ministrations couldn’t stop
My window’s plaintive howl.

Window told me that its headache
Was near driving it insane
But there wasn’t much that I could do
To stop the window pain.

hymn of vegerabbles

You must consume your vegerabbles
Proper servings please
Eat your purple vegerabbles
Keep away disease.

Eat them cause your doctor said so
And I said so too
Eat them with some canned hot pepper
But not with some shoe.

Have a dish of vegerabble
You will like the flavor
When you chew them twice as slowly
You have time to savor.

When the plate is empty of
Your vegerabble serving
Pat your body on the back
For you are so deserving.

My people are proper people

My people are proper people
We wash our face to rob you blind
We tip our hat to blow up house
My people are the proper kind

My people are proper people
We smile before we storm the fort
Unleash fury with pinky up
My people are the proper sort

My people are proper people
We say thank you when we take bribe
Say grace before we cannibalize
My people are a proper tribe

My people are proper people
Say Please before we shoot our guns
Bow heads at scene of deaths we bring
My people are the proper ones

i made a tower

I made a tower of crap
I made a tower of people
I made a tower of leftover minds
As high as the church’s steeple

I made a tower of towers
I made a tower of goof
I made a tower of anxiety
As high as the building’s roof

I made a tower of you
A made a tower of mop
I made a tower of me
As tall as the mountain top

I made a tower of true
I made a tower of not
I made a tower of invisible
As high as that there sun spot

the Noisees and the Dirtees and the Squeelees and old Ben

Say that I am feeling peachy
And I’m really doing fine
And I do not need a helping hand
I don’t need a thrown line
When I’m really happy solo
And I do not need a friend
Come the Noisees and the Dirtees and the Squeelees and old Ben.

They come to my assistance
When I really do need none
They can make the sunshine darken
When I was just having fun
They make me so nostalgic
For those lost times, way back when
Before the Noisees and the Dirtees and the Squeelees and old Ben.

They made me late for dinner
And they smashed up my bedroom
And they helped me lose my fortune
And they brought to me my doom
And they didn’t vanish in thin air
When I counted one to ten
They’re the Noisees and the Dirtees and the Squeelees and old Ben.

These days call for drastic measures
And I think I’ve had enough
I don’t want their helping anymore
I do not want their stuff
So my big French fry cutting machine
Can slice them julienne
They were the Noisees and the Dirtees and the Squeelees and old Ben.

i know when to say when

Most people don’t know it
But I know when
I know when to say when
If I’m falling down drunk
Or I’m bloated like Texas
I know when to say when.
Overstayed my welcome?
Foot I am chewing?
I know when to say when.
I’ve gone over the line
I’ve exceeded the bounds
And then it is time to say when.

I do know when to say when
Tho the French just might say it like “fin”
If I say some insults
And they hurt like the dickens
I know it’s time to say when
If I smash in some skulls
With a lead pipe or ten
I know that it’s time to say when
If I torture my neighbors
To stop all their chatter
If I tear down their houses
So my house will matter
I think that it’s time to say when.

I know when to say when
And I know how to say it again
If I blew up the world
With my secret machine
I know it’s time to say when
If I killed all the humans
With my evil ray gun
I know it’s time to say when
If the whole universe
Has collapsed in a dot
Because I turned the lever
To make it a spot
I think it is time to say when.

bathtub commute

I have a long commute to make
An hour or two by car
And I have to leave real early
When I have to go so far
I like to know, when I’m at work,
I’m smelling my very best
But to get my bath before my commute
Can really be a test.

So I talked to my mechanic
And I told him of my plans
And he really is about the best
He really understands
He likes to go out of his way
He’s so above the bar
That he did the near impossible
And put a bathtub in my car.

I have a bathtub in my car
The water gets real hot
And I can bathe so leisurely
On my way to my parking spot
My co-workers are envious
They think I am so cool
And what will turn most every head
Is my backseat whirlpool.

please do not say please

Tell me that you hate me
That you do not like my knees
Tell me almost anything
But please do not say please

Tell me that I’m ugly
That I have a gross disease
Tell me that I’m such a bore
But please do not say please

Did you say I’m horrible?
And that I smell like turd?
I do not care what else you say
Just do not say the magic word

Did you say I’m such a mess
That I’m a ball of sleeze?
Tell me more about myself
But please do not say please.

woes of rest

I tried to rest on my laurels
I tried to rest on the couch
I tried to rest on a bed of nails
But I just kept on saying ouch

I tried to rest in a corner
Stacked with dozens of soft pillows
I tried to rest all my arms and my legs
And my mouth and my eyes and my nose

I tried to rest on my backside
I tried to rest on my feet
I tried to rest on the top of a pole
And on an uncomfortable seat

I tried to rest in Kentucky
I tried to rest in Maryland
I tried to rest by laying low
And also by taking a stand

I tried to rest in my undies
I tried to rest in my sweats
I could try to rest in the casino room
But I would have to call off the bets

I tried to rest on the basis
Of my reputation fine
I tried to rest using sleeping pills
And gallons of bottles of wine

I tried to rest by the glow
Of the TV set in my room
I tried to rest by closing my eyes
And thinking about the moon

I tried to rest on some blankets
The softest of them are the best
But I tried and I tried and I tried and I tried
And I just couildn’t get any rest

the guests came uninvited

The guests came uninvited
The guests are in the house
They’ve scared off all the centipedes
They scared out every mouse

They’re hungry as the wind
They want to eat it all
I have to stop them quick
And so I sing my call:

“Don’t eat the furniture
Think before you quit
If you eat all the furniture
There’ll be no place to sit”

They can’t resist
Furniture is sweet
They don’t rest a moment
They start to eat

“Don’t eat the furniture
Don’t eat that chair
If you eat the furniture
There’ll be no furniture here”

They ate the furniture
They ate the bed
They ate the furniture
Despite what I had said

“You ate the furniture
You didn’t think to quiit
Now there’s no furniture
No place at all to sit.”

did i eat that?

I didn’t eat the bare brick wall
I didn’t eat my house up all
I didn’t eat the walls of wood
I didn’t think it tasted good
I didn’t eat up window frames
I didn’t cook it with some flames
I didn’t eat the whole wood floor
I didn’t eat the front and back door
I didn’t eat my furniture
Basted with my favorite hickory cure
I didn’t eat the rugs rolled up
I didn’t eat them in one gulp
I didn’t nibble like a mouse
I won’t eat up my neighbor’s house.

i didn't eat

I didn’t eat a cow
I didn’t eat a shoe
I didn’t eat my underwear
I ate some too.

I didn’t eat the window
That was giving me the view
I didn’t eat the door
I ate some too.

I didn’t eat Rachel
And I didn’t eat you
I didn’t eat your brother
I ate some too.

I didn’t eat the falsity
I didn’t eat the true
I didn’t eat up earth and sky
I ate some too.

can't forget blues

I don’t want to remember
But I can’t make it forget
And the harder I try to forget it
The more that the memory’s set

I tend lose so many other things
Some were quite hard to get
But this memory that I just want to burn
My brain just won’t forget

I really did not want to know
So I try and try and yet
That thing I thought that just should go
I never will forget.

unwelcome guest blues

I have an unwelcome guest
In my own house
And that unwelcome guest
Is not a mouse
And that unwelcome guest
Is not the cat
And my unwelcome guest
Is worse than that
And my unwelcome guest
Is not the sound
Of too many people
Sitting around
And the unwelcome guest
Is not my uncle
Even tho he may have
That dangerous carbuncle
And my unwelcome guest
You’ll know it’s true
Isn’t the reader known
As you
The unwelcome guest
I think you’ll see
Is somebody who goes
By the name of me!

raymond and you

Raymond could make a mess
When he made one he would confess
He’d say that he made it
But the way that he’d say it
Kind of made you want to clean up that mess

Raymond could fly a kite
In the daytime or in the night
But the way that he flew it
Insists that you blew it
And your blowing did keep up that kite

Raymond he had a leg
With such a misfortunate sag
When he wanted to walk it
He’d just have to talk it
And you would be moving that leg

Raymond, he had a barge
That was so incredibly large
When he wanted to sail it…

Oh, it looks like you had enough
And that’s why that gun you discharged.

there's a tempest

There’s a tempest
In a teapot
And the teapot
Is my stomach
And my stomach
Is invaded
And the invaders
have big boots
And the boots
Weren’t left at the door
And the door
Is wide open
But they don’t
get my meaning
They just want to stay
And party
I want to yell
At the unruly guests
To get out
But they
Don’t have
Ears.

snowtoomuchmania

I’m knowing
That it’s snowing
All the flakes their to and froing
And it isn’t even showing
Any signs that it is slowing
I am full of pain and woeing
At this godforsaken snowing
But at least the wind’s not blowing
And I think I am outgrowing
All that snowman afterglowing
I’m absolutely vertigoing
At this snowfall status quoing
And I wish it was no-showing
But it still looks like it’s snowing
I kind of feel like throwing
Something at all the windowing
That is showing me this snowing
But I won’t.

where is the sun

Where is the sun when you need him
When the snow is wet
When the rain falls down
Where is the sun when you need him
Probably whooping it up
In somebody else’s town

Where is the sun when you need her
When you’re in a bad mood
And the night is so thick
Where is the sun when you need her
Probably shining
On somebody else

Where is the sun when you need it
When the planet is turning
But morning is late
Where is the sun when you need it
Probably spinning
Around some other planet

night whispers

The nighttime makes a sound
You can hear it if you’re around
You can hear it if you’re there
It is somewhere in the air

The night makes a peep
You can hear it when you sleep
You can hear it in your dreams
It isn’t what it seems

It whispers in your ears
To destroy all of your fears
But when your eyes are sun
The night sounds will be none

we eat the bedtime snack

We eat the bedtime snack
Because the food we lack
We eat before to bed we go
We eat the toast and escargot

We eat burnt bread and snails
Before we set our sails
To sleep and dreamland, that’s the place
But first we have to feed our face

I eat the toast, and you
Eat escargot, or two
We eat and then we go to bed
Where toast and snails dance in dream head

TV Turn off day

The TV will not stop
I maybe call a cop
I maybe shush with mop
I cannot turn it off.

TV? Turn off? No?
It won’t say bye to snow
Neverending TV show
I’ll stop with hammer blow

I raise the hammer high
It glints up in the sky
I do not wonder why
I just say “TV bye.”

syrup dish washing

I like to wash the dishes
Tho some think I am a dope
Because when I wash the dishes
I do not use towels or soap
I like to wash the dishes
Tho some think I am a drip
For when I wash the dishes
I wash them in syrup.

I wash the plates in syrup
And the silver and the cups
I wash containers to re-use
(For short, I call them “Tups”)
I wash the pans and all the pots
I get them clear of grime
And so I use the syrup,
Is that some kind of crime?

I wipe them dry with paper towel
Or kind of dry, ahem
I guess you’ll usually find the towel
Is kind of stuck to them
You might say, well, just overall
My kitchen’s kind of sticky
Come here for lunch or dinner time?
Most people would reply, “Icky!”

flapjacks for fish

I had run all out of fish food
And the fish were making troubles
They were telling me their hunger
With so many water bubbles
I had to give them something
On which to fishy chew
And, on top of that fish hunger
I was getting hungry too

I reached for Aunt Jemima
I reached for the frying pan
When fish have so much hunger
I do everything I can
I tested heat of pan
With just a drop of the fish water
And when it was hot enough
I did exactly what I ought ta

I made flapjacks for the fishes
And they ate them one by one
I made flapjacks for the fishes
And they liked them by the ton
Served with butter and with syrup
That’s what the fishes like to see
And when the fishes had all eaten
There were no flapjacks for me.

ode to bathroom

I need a break from the world at large
Its rigor, its crazy, its test
I need a room to get away
I need a place to rest
So I go to the bathroom
It is small and it has tile
I can hide inside the bathroom
For at least a little while.

I have a room to sleep in
And I have a room to eat
I have a room to hang my coat
And the shoes that wear my feet
But sometimes I just need a place
That’s only made for rest
The bathroom is my special place
The room I like the best.

I like my little bathroom
I sit in there and read
I leave it feeling satisfied
At least I might have peed
Sometimes the water doesn’t stop
So I fix the toilet flap
Compared to little bathroom
All other rooms are crap.

Moon Pillow

Moon pillow moon pillow
Corner of my eye
Moon pillow moon pillow
Fall down from the sky

Moon pillow moon pillow
Let me sleep your curvy
Moon pillow moon pillow
In my topsy turvy

Moon pillow moon pillow
Ears are fine for craters
Moon pillow moon pillow
Dream of mashed potatoes

Moon pillow moon pillow
Spacewalk in my brain
Moon pillow moon pillow
Like a gentle rain

Moon pillow moon pillow
In your trembling light
Moon pillow moon pillow
Just say that you might.

pulling down the shades

Pulling down the shades
Pulling down the shades
We will stand rejoicing
Pulling down the shades

Making room so dark
You can see sheets spark
We lay down rejoicing
Pulling down the shades

Turning out the light
Closing eyes from sight
We will sleep rejoicing
Pulling down the shades

song of the days of blast furnace

Untie your shoes with sealing wax
It is the latest style
And when you do it to your shoes
You do it with a smile

Everybody does the same
And then they do it wrong
They sing their nose a story
And they tell their hand a song

I am you and you are too
That is why we’re best
And when it’s time to say our prayers
We like to be undressed

Here is where we shall not be
There is just the same
The thing I say to make you look
Happens to be my name.

Less of this is total
And the rest is walking shoes
Make me talk all sideways
And you’ll just call it the news.

Night is for beginnings
And days are for the end
You are the one I’m talking to
And so you are my friend.

wrong side of guy

I blow my nose
In a key that is wrong
It’s kind of like singing
The incorrect song
When everyone else is
Singing it right
I guess I’m a sight

I ate my slice
From the wrong side of toast
When everyone else eats it
From the side of most
I put my butter
Where the rest set it down
Aren’t I a clown

I speak my mind out
By blinking my eye
It’s a technique
Nobody else knows to try
They like to talk
With their mouth or their hand
They don’t understand.

Helosie the Headache

I can have a kind of headache
And it hurts as hard as stone
When I have that kind of headache
I just want to be alone
But there’s another kind of headache
And it doesn’t really hurt
And if I am not mistaken
That headache’s kind of a flirt

It’s Heloise the headache
And she does go by that name
And she feels as nice as candy
And she doesn’t come with pain
She’s the headache known as Heloise
She is so nice to me
That I sometimes serve her crumpets
And I sometimes serve her tea

I think I’ll invite a headache
But it won’t be the hurting one
She is Heloise the headache
And if I call her, she’ll come
We’ll have some nice togetherness
And then she’ll leave my head
I dare not take an aspirin
‘Twoud kill that headache dead.

pome not from Sequitor

Me oh my
Fish gotta fry
Birds gotta lie
Bicycles must fly

Hum ho hum
Chew your eyes out gum
Can be very glum
If you won’t share some

Bim bam bom
Where did my old mom
Put the atom bomb
Somewhere by the palm

Reep reep rip
Take a little sip
When you fall and slip
Then give us your lip

rather head pome

I took my bicycle there
To the bicycle repair
But while I was there
At the bicycle repair
they cut off all my hair
At the bicycle repair
At that old bicycle repair

I stood by the frozen lake
I had a small headache
But it wasn’t a headache
It was a big earthquake
And I fell into the lake
I fell into the frozen lake

I have a little head
And it’s full of the books I read
But I forget what I just said
I could have had a lump of lead
But I’d rather have a head
Than anything instead
Than anything instead

pie brushing

They had a last piece of pie
They didn’t put it in their eye
They had to brush their teeth so they
Brushed their teeth with the pie

The pie goes up and down
Their smile turn into frown
And then it turn back smile again
As teeth become less brown

They didn’t eat the pie
They didn’t throw it in the sky
They didn’t sit on it instead of chair
They brushed their teeth with the pie

airplane ride

I took an airplane ride last week
But didn’t get very far
I could have taken a longer trip
Had I gone by bus or car

Our airplane only went down
It didn’t go up and around
It didn’t take us very far
We didn’t leave our town

We fastened all our safetybelts
We sat down, understanding
That we would soon be taking off,
But we just kept on landing

Our airplane only went down
It didn’t go up and around
It didn’t take us very far
We didn’t leave our town

They announced our destination
And we got off, not quite knowing
But it wasn’t Vegas where we were
In fact, it still was snowing

Our airplane only went down
It didn’t go up and around
It didn’t take us very far
We didn’t leave our town

Las Vegas Quartet

1

the sun came down to Vegas
to gamble on some slots
it burned some holes in vinyl chairs
'cause sun has got the hots

it wore its darkest sunglasses
as kind of a disguise
but the other gamblers were not fooled
when sun burned out their eyes

sun kind of lost its shirt
the day was very dark
so the neon lights came out at noon
all over County Clark


2

there was so much to eat at the Vegas buffet
so dreamy, so creamy, so rich
and i didn't want to miss a single delight
i had to have some of each
but i cannot eat just a little bit
i tend to stuff my face
so my pals and i went to the Vegas buffet
and i ate the entire place

those little plates would never do
i had to eat it all
so i made a serving platter
from a section of the wall
i ate everything, whether good or bad
it really didn't matter
and when i finished all the food
i ate my whole wall platter

i must have had a cow of steak
it really wasn't fair
and when i ate up all the food
i ate most every chair
i could barely move when i was done
i ate the room down to the studs
and i also ate all of the people
except for me and my two buds


3

water went to Vegas
to have some water fun
it had to see the water shows
and saw them, one by one
but water has a tendency
just like you'd maybe think
and water overdid it -
water had too much to drink

water got pretty drunk tonight
it doesn't know how to say when
and when it stumbled down the strip
everyone was its friend
water wanted all the people to know
how happy it can get
but a little hug from water
can get you mighty wet

water had to show the fountains
exactly what they lacked
but water was so completely sloshed
it nearly blew the act
now water is despondent
and sits right down to cry
and makes a vow that next time
it will do Las Vegas dry


4

i saw the lights of Vegas town
but they did not see me
they had so many eyes to blink
but none of them to see
they could have said "heave ho" to the sun
but that they didn't say
they just winked and blinked and all turned off
when night turned into day

Oh Gert

I’m singin Oh Susannah
Pluckin geetar with my toes
And I’m getting most the melody
By hummin thru my nose
I’m singin Oh Susannah
Even tho your name is Gert
And if you don’t smile a little bit
I feel so awful hurt
Oh Gert Oh Gert
Don’t cry for me.

I don’t come from Alabamy
I don’t come from anywhere
And I need to stop and sit a spell
But my butt can’t take a chair
I’m on my way this evenin
And I’ll be there by tonight
I may be a sight for sore eyes
Or I may just be a sight
Oh Gert Oh Gert
Don’t cry for me.

In fact I got no geetar
Cuz I went and got it lost
And I do not have a nose to hum
Cuz that was frozen off
I can’t recall the melody
Cuz I don’t have a head
I am not exactly livin
But I also ain’t quite dead
Oh Gert Oh Gert
Don’t cry for me.

Quietlees End

The Quietlees lay down to bed
they set their clocks, the sleepy heads
they do not know where they begin
they know their end, again, again.

See their last episode

walking on cars

I had to get to town

That’s where the best shops are

But the traffic was so backed up

And I do not have a car

The traffic was so thick

I couldn’t cross the street

I couldn’t buy the things I want

Or get some food to eat.

I could have stood and waited

I could have called it quits

But I used my imagination

And all my inner wits

I cannot walk on water

A Jesus I am not

But I could walk on top of all the cars

To get to this downtown spot.

I walked on all the cars

It was kind of like a road

They weren’t going anywhere

But I was with my walking mode

I walked from hood to hood

And got there pretty quick

While all those cars stood in their jam

Which never got less thick.

losing and winning

I bought a lottery ticket

The colorful kind that you scratch

But when I did the scratching

The pictures did not match

I was a little depressed

I turned on the TV, bored,

And then I jumped into the air

For I won an Academy Award.

I may have lost the lottery

But I won an Oscar tonight

And that is kind of surprising

Because screenplays I don’t write

Neither am I an actor

Nor do I direct or produce

But I won an Academy Award

And I laughed like a silly goose.

I wasn’t there to accept the prize

I guess that was my mistake

So I turned up my kitchen oven

And baked me a victory cake

I pulled out my acceptance speech

All my thank you’s I started to say

But I didn’t quite get it finished

Because the orchestra started to play.

melting me

The sun and heat are turning all

The ice and snow to puddle

But this warm-up is presenting me

With a strange kind of muddle

The temperatures are higher

Exactly as I was expecting

But not in my expectations?

That I would begin melting.

I thought I must have run too fast

But that liquid wasn’t sweat

My skin and all my clothes

Were absolutely soaking wet

I figured I was melting

When my nose had gotten small

If the forecast calls for warm I’ll lose

My hair, my feet, my all.

The weather for today

Will even worsen my sad mess

If the weatherman is right

By tonight I will be less

If I could get on Oprah's show

This is what I’d say,

“I’ll show you how a little spring

Can melt my pounds away.”

furniture couture

At all the social functions
I’ve always got a chair
And that is so because it is
The thing I like to wear
A table worn for pants
A bookshelf for a shirt
An ottoman for cufflinks
Will almost never hurt
I wear the best of furniture
It fits me to a T
But I tried on all the couches
And none of them suited me.

A day spent at Ikea
That’s where the fashions are
I thought a sofa nicely placed
Would make me look a star
But maybe they were overstuffed
Or had the wrong pillows
But none of them matched my armchair
Or made my complexion glow.


There were so many colors
But all of them were wrong
None of them suited my figure
Or complemented my lampshade sarong
I was going nowhere
I felt completely beat
Until I saw it and I tried it on
My new coat of loveseat

no pome

I’ve been thinking hard as stone

But I don’t have my daily pome

So why don’t you leave me alone

By practicing my pome arts

I did come up with lots of starts

But they all sounded much like farts

Now that the day is nearly here

It is becoming rather clear

You’ll have to stick this in your rear

dreamland woes

I memorized the lines
I rehearsed certain scenes
But even tho I do auditions I
Am rarely in my dreams.


I fall asleep at night
Or wish upon a star
I wonder, as the dream unfolds,
Just who these people are.


Were they at cattle call?
I don’t want to seem a grouch
But sometimes I think my dreams are cast
On some casting couch.


Another dream has ended
And nowhere did I see
In the major roles or extra crowds
A dream role played by me.

i wasn't wanting wednesday

I wasn’t wanting Wednesday

At least this week, this time

If we could skip to Thursday

To me, that would be fine.

If Tuesday was like Egypt

And Thursday, promised land

Wednesday was kind of wilderness

With quagmires of quicksand.

It’s not that I hate Wednesday

Not generally at least

It’s just that this one Wednesday

Could be a kind of beast.

The calendar is steadfast

It won’t give me a break

It looks like this is Wednesday

And I am wide awake.

traffic radio and me

I wake to traffic radio

I’m a morning devotee

But this morning traffic radio

Was reporting about me

I heard the awful news

While I was still in bed

The words of the announcer

Are still spinning in my head

It seems there was a crash

And it was on my arm

So that is why my wrist is

So unusually warm

And then a pile up happened

On the roadway of my leg

Avoid the gawker slowdown

Don’t look at it, I beg!

The traffic is free flowing

On my neck and on my chest

I like when traffic radio

Tells me I’m at my best

Rush hour is almost over

Traffic guy is out the door

I have to hope tomorrow

I won’t still be the detour

my friends

i don't meet my friends in cafes
i don't chat all night in bars
not for me such socializing
for my best friends are all cars


disadvantages? there are some
conversations aren't so deep
i might spill my life in rivers
but the car just says beep beep


such friendships are one-sided
this is terribly clear
i buy my friends their gasoline
but they won't buy me beer


will my friends protect me?
or ease my aching heart?
that depends on their transmission
or whether they will even start.

pome guy

I read this pome the other day

And it was clear to see

That the character in this strange pome

Was someone just like me.

He had my way of walking

And my way of talking too

And he just happened to wear his foot

On the outside of his shoe.

He wore my type of sneakers

He wore my tank top shirt

And when he tripped and fell

We shared exactly the same hurt.

We both had likes and interests

That were pretty much the same

And that pome was written by someone

Who actually had my name.

messed up me

i wear my foot inside my mouth
cause that is where it goes
i keep both my left and right hands
deep inside my nose
i wear my shoes upon my head
i want to start a style
and gather round you people
to see my happy buttocks smile

my hair grows on my kneecaps
and my teeth are on my chin
i am twice as fat as i am
and i'm also twice as thin
friends say i should see a counselor
my mania to surmise
and i wish that i could see one
but my shorts cover my eyes.

after reading the headlines today

guns don't kill people
they kill five
they keep thirty or more
from being alive
it doesn't matter a musket
what you say
each gun killing comes at the hands
of the NRA

at schools or malls
or any other place
guns don't shoot people
in the face
guns don't shoot people
in the head
guns aren't killing
people dead

it's not the guns
it's the NRA
they're the killers
today and yesterday
it's really about time
they
put themselves out of our
misery

lost love pome

I wrote you a lovely love pome

But I left it at the mall

And how that lovely love pome went

I really can’t recall.

I might have rhymed up June with spoon

And maybe cat with splat

But I really can’t remember

Any more of it than that.

I really still do love you

And I’d tell you in a pome

And I actually wrote it

But I don’t have it at home.

master of the obvious

I’m the master of the obvious

I’ll tell you what you know

If a play has gotten good reviews

I’ll call it quite a show

If there is rain or snow or sleet

Or if a tire is flat

I will not mince a single word

I’ll say exactly that.

I’m the master of the obvious

I’ll tell it to you straight

I’ll call a window window

And I’ll call a gate a gate

I will tell you you’re a person

And you’re wearing a pair of shoes

I will tell to you or you or you

The most obvious of news.

I can tell a ceiling from a floor

And a hammer from a horse

About the very obvious

You’d consider me the source

But if you hanker knowledge

That is not so very pat -

I don’t do well with the subtle

So please don’t ask me that.

dream directions

When I fall asleep at night

I go to a certain place

I may not go to Greenland

Or out to outer space

I take a trip to dreamland

But the reality

Is that my dreams have a poor sense

Of geography.

You’d think they’d do some research

Or Mapquest on the net

Cause in my dreams the river’s dry

And all the streets are wet

And talking ‘bout those streets

The names just aren’t the same

And where the bus is running?

My dream says the wrong lane.

My dreams might have the right map

But switch the north for south

If dream isn’t going to get things right

Why won’t it close its mouth?

I’ll start a new dream journey

But I’ll keep in mind the cost;

If I used my dream’s directions I

Would always wind up lost

something to say

I have something to say

But I won’t say it today

I won’t say it on Tuesday

But on Wednesday, well, I may.

I will say it just one time

And it might be quite sublime

If you miss it, know that I’m

Saying it that single time.

I will start with just one word

When I say it, you’ll be lured

If you miss it, be assured

I will not repeat that word.

When I’m finished, I’ll have said

All the statement, every shred

If you miss it, then your head

Will not know the thing I said.

king of comebacks, almost

I’m the ace of snappy comebacks

There are few that are as great

But my greatest comeback drawback:

Mine are almost always late.

He might give me a rude gesture

Or rude language you might speak

I’ll send back a snappy comeback

But it might just come next week.

You might try to get me flustered

Or instill a sense of fear

I will smother you in comeback

But it might not come this year.

Did you say I had a horse face?

Did you say I am a lout?

Just you wait, I’ve got a comeback

But I need to think it out.

I will kill you with the comebacks

Or your sister, or your pappy

But you’ll find that my great comebacks

Aren’t what you might call so snappy.

lingering buger blues

I got myself a buger, and it don’t want to go

And I think that buger might just have a tendency to show

I blow so hard I almost sweat, but my kleenix is clean

I curse, I howl, I wet my pants, and then I even scream

I got those lingering buger blues

From my head down to my shoes.

That buger left on Wednesday, on Thursday, I suppose,

It came back to the back and side and front part of my nose

I even used my finger, but I couldn’t fish it out

I bleat like my old donkey, I vibrate and I shout

I got those lingering buger blues

From my head down to my shoes.

I thought a little dynamite and nitroglycerin

Might make that buger much more out than where it is – in

I lit the fuse, I counted down, the instructions I had read

But the buger stayed inside my nose and I blew off my head

I got those lingering buger blues

From my neck down to my shoes

nettie's knitting brows

They elicit cheers and whispers

And a whole wide range of wows

All the sweaters, scarves and mittens

Knit by Nettie’s knitting brows.

Just above her right and left eye

Just below her straight-line bangs

Are the brows that clothe grandchildren

With the neatest knitted thangs.

Nettie’s brows move rather quickly

Knitting scarves as fast as blinking

She can’t see much while she’s knitting –

I know that’s what you were thinking.

Nettie doesn’t knit with needles

Her brows cannot get that grip

So it is quite the thing to see

Her brows knitting by toothpick.

These days Nettie’s getting older

And her brows are turning gray

But they still can knit a sweater

Tho it might take one more day.

living dead cats

The cats had used up all their lives

They’re scratching at the door

It’s been a while since they’ve eaten

And now they’re wanting more.

They had to dig their bodies out

They’re wanting to be fed -

There’s Ed, Mildred, and Fred and Ned

And they’re the living dead.

The living dead felines are here

I wonder what they eat;

For now they’re licking dirt from

Desiccated claws and feet.

I can’t find the can opener

It’s driving me insane

And I hope that what they’re yearning for

Is not my flustered brain.

I get so crazed and sickened

That I actually vomit

And the cats lap it quite greedily

Before I can get the Comet.

They have returned to my back door

After lives one through nine

And much to my surprise they came

With Ernest Borganine

ashless wednesday

Today is called ash Wednesday

That’s what they call today

But I can’t find around the house

A single full ash tray

I’m looking in the cupboard

I’m looking in the trash

I look and look but I can’t find

A single trace of ash

I don’t know if it’s only

I don’t’ know if it’s most

But try I might I cannot find

A small piece of burnt toast

My forehead is a blank slate

Unless you count that mole

I guess you have to call me just

Another big ash-hole

Pome of loss

I went out to the nightclub

I really liked the bands

But when I got back to my home

I didn’t have my hands

I went out grocery shopping

To get lettuce and meat

I brought home both my grocery bags

But left behind my feet

I went out to have breakfast

Some bacon and some eggs

I remembered to bring back my coat

But left behind both legs

I went to see a movie

The funny ones are best

Good thing I ate my popcorn then

Because now I’ve lost my chest

I better stay around the house

In fact, I’ll remain in bed

The way that this is going

My next trip, I’ll lose my head

bad morning blues

I guess I still was sleepy

Perhaps it was that nagging cough

But I ate a bowl of alarm clock

And turned my oatmeal off.

I tossed and turned the whole night thru

now I feel like such a dope

For I took my bath in the litter box

And fed the cats the soap.

I stayed up well past midnight

And I’m reaping what I sewed

I peed into the orange juice

And drank the whole commode.

Tomorrow is another day

This morning was a waste

For I brushed with my newspaper

And I read all the toothpaste.

Sleep Bookkeeping

I do not dream of islands

I do not dream of sheep

But in the morning I find I’ve often been

Bookkeeping in my sleep.

I’ll wake up in the morning

And find, filled out very well,

A reconciliation

Or a complex P & L.

I don’t sleepwalk to the kitchen

I do not send out sleep-faxes

I’ll sleep-shuffle over to my desk

And sleep-fill out all my taxes.

My sleep-bookkeeper is honest

He’s too sleepy to defraud it

And he passed with flying colors

Our last 3 a.m. sleep-audit.

Cars for Hats

The price of gas is so high these days

It really blows my mind

And that will make me panic

For I am a car-loving kind

It calls for drastic measures

And I think I’m up to that

So I’ve joined the maybe millions who are

Wearing their cars like a hat.

We’re wearing our cars like hats these days

It does take a strong neck

And motor oil dripping down your back?

You have to say, What the heck!

But I need to take my car with me

Wherever I may go

And that is why the latest style

Is to wear a car chapeau.

I’ve got a little import

So I wear it with some ease

But the story isn’t quite the same

For those with SUV’s.

I wish my car had ear muffs

For the coldest days around

But the only muffler it has

Only reduces engine sound.

If I see that you are coming

And I happen to know who you are

I may give you my usual greeting –

A little tip of the car;

But after a day of wearing it

I’m ready for several naps

But such are the trials of those who wear

Their automobiles for caps