i asked the flowers to dance with me

I asked the flowers to dance with me
But they just looked askance at me
I asked them if they’d take a look
But they kept reading their flower book
I asked them if they’d like a kiss
It seemed like they did not hear this
I asked them what they wanted to eat
But they just stood there in the heat.

I asked the flowers to sing with me
But they wouldn’t do a thing with me
I asked them to the movie show
But all they did was stand and grow
I asked them to go to a play
But all they wanted was to stay
I told them to look at the moon
But they closed up their little bloom.

somebody's pulling my leg

Somebody’s pulling my leg
And somebody’s pulling my arm
And somebody’s pulling my other leg
And my other arm, and my head by my neck.

Somebody’s pulling me this way
And somebody’s pulling me that
And somebody’s pulling me that way and this way
And north way and south way and east and west too.

Something has got my ear
And something has got my eye
And something has got my hands and my feet
And my toenails and fingers and torso and movements.

Somehow has taken my life
And packaged it into a series
And added commercials and complete product placement
And all I have to do is buy it.

there was a revolution

There was a revolution
And my eyelids went on strike
And my nostrils staged a walkout
My contract they did not like
And my mouth is saying nothing
My elbows in sympathy
And my legs won’t cross the picket line
Oh woe oh woe is me.

We entered negotiations
With our expectations high
I represented management
And I am a giving guy
But the body parts were greedy
And their agent was my skull
And the contract talks were, shall we say
Nothing at all like dull.

The picket signs were painted
“Down with Me!” is what they say
And the final contract deadline
Is ending with the dawning day
The strike began this morning
Neither party wants to bend
And if my heart walks out on me
This may just be the end.

i wrote a list

I wrote a list to save my mind
From all that memory
But where I put that list of things
Is not so plain to see.

I did not put it in my hat
Or inside my left shoe
And without the list to remember where
I don’t know what to do.

The list had all my passwords
And the names of all my friends
It had my city and my state
And most of my loose ends.

But now I cannot find it
And that puts me in a bind
For losing that important list
I’ve pretty near lost my mind.

i threw a little party

I threw a little party
But I did not invite myself
I did invite the Humphreys
And their acrobatic elf.

I invited all the Baileys
Because they always bring nice beer
I sent invites to the Nellies
So I hope they will appear.

I invited Jim and Martha
For they always dress in style
Asked for R.S.V.P from Georgie
For he has the nicest smile.

I invited just the nicest folks
Here is the list, you see?
But of all the folks I did invite
I guessed I just missed me.

i did not perform upon the stage

I did not perform upon the stage
The stage performed on me
It told some jokes and sang some songs:
Something you had to see.
It put the other acts to shame
So I didn’t even try
I held the stage up for its act
While on my back I lie.

The stage could do some sleight of hand
Made rabbits disappear
And juggled flaming ten pins
And pulled quarters from an ear.
The audience was going wild
And clapping with their hands
While I just held the whole thing up
By playing the grandstands.

The show was going overtime
The stage just would not quit
The audience was loving it
The stage had made a hit.
But rehearsal didn’t last so long
And it could have been my age
The theater all came tumbling down
When I couldn’t support the stage.

the window had a headache

The window had a headache
And it groaned and muttered so
And I fed it several aspirin
But its headache wouldn’t go.

On the street, all of the streelamps
And the houses, trees and robins
Twisted, tumbled in contortions
From the window’s headache throbbings.

I gave it some words of comfort
And I did apply hot towel
But my ministrations couldn’t stop
My window’s plaintive howl.

Window told me that its headache
Was near driving it insane
But there wasn’t much that I could do
To stop the window pain.

hymn of vegerabbles

You must consume your vegerabbles
Proper servings please
Eat your purple vegerabbles
Keep away disease.

Eat them cause your doctor said so
And I said so too
Eat them with some canned hot pepper
But not with some shoe.

Have a dish of vegerabble
You will like the flavor
When you chew them twice as slowly
You have time to savor.

When the plate is empty of
Your vegerabble serving
Pat your body on the back
For you are so deserving.

My people are proper people

My people are proper people
We wash our face to rob you blind
We tip our hat to blow up house
My people are the proper kind

My people are proper people
We smile before we storm the fort
Unleash fury with pinky up
My people are the proper sort

My people are proper people
We say thank you when we take bribe
Say grace before we cannibalize
My people are a proper tribe

My people are proper people
Say Please before we shoot our guns
Bow heads at scene of deaths we bring
My people are the proper ones

i made a tower

I made a tower of crap
I made a tower of people
I made a tower of leftover minds
As high as the church’s steeple

I made a tower of towers
I made a tower of goof
I made a tower of anxiety
As high as the building’s roof

I made a tower of you
A made a tower of mop
I made a tower of me
As tall as the mountain top

I made a tower of true
I made a tower of not
I made a tower of invisible
As high as that there sun spot

the Noisees and the Dirtees and the Squeelees and old Ben

Say that I am feeling peachy
And I’m really doing fine
And I do not need a helping hand
I don’t need a thrown line
When I’m really happy solo
And I do not need a friend
Come the Noisees and the Dirtees and the Squeelees and old Ben.

They come to my assistance
When I really do need none
They can make the sunshine darken
When I was just having fun
They make me so nostalgic
For those lost times, way back when
Before the Noisees and the Dirtees and the Squeelees and old Ben.

They made me late for dinner
And they smashed up my bedroom
And they helped me lose my fortune
And they brought to me my doom
And they didn’t vanish in thin air
When I counted one to ten
They’re the Noisees and the Dirtees and the Squeelees and old Ben.

These days call for drastic measures
And I think I’ve had enough
I don’t want their helping anymore
I do not want their stuff
So my big French fry cutting machine
Can slice them julienne
They were the Noisees and the Dirtees and the Squeelees and old Ben.

i know when to say when

Most people don’t know it
But I know when
I know when to say when
If I’m falling down drunk
Or I’m bloated like Texas
I know when to say when.
Overstayed my welcome?
Foot I am chewing?
I know when to say when.
I’ve gone over the line
I’ve exceeded the bounds
And then it is time to say when.

I do know when to say when
Tho the French just might say it like “fin”
If I say some insults
And they hurt like the dickens
I know it’s time to say when
If I smash in some skulls
With a lead pipe or ten
I know that it’s time to say when
If I torture my neighbors
To stop all their chatter
If I tear down their houses
So my house will matter
I think that it’s time to say when.

I know when to say when
And I know how to say it again
If I blew up the world
With my secret machine
I know it’s time to say when
If I killed all the humans
With my evil ray gun
I know it’s time to say when
If the whole universe
Has collapsed in a dot
Because I turned the lever
To make it a spot
I think it is time to say when.

bathtub commute

I have a long commute to make
An hour or two by car
And I have to leave real early
When I have to go so far
I like to know, when I’m at work,
I’m smelling my very best
But to get my bath before my commute
Can really be a test.

So I talked to my mechanic
And I told him of my plans
And he really is about the best
He really understands
He likes to go out of his way
He’s so above the bar
That he did the near impossible
And put a bathtub in my car.

I have a bathtub in my car
The water gets real hot
And I can bathe so leisurely
On my way to my parking spot
My co-workers are envious
They think I am so cool
And what will turn most every head
Is my backseat whirlpool.

please do not say please

Tell me that you hate me
That you do not like my knees
Tell me almost anything
But please do not say please

Tell me that I’m ugly
That I have a gross disease
Tell me that I’m such a bore
But please do not say please

Did you say I’m horrible?
And that I smell like turd?
I do not care what else you say
Just do not say the magic word

Did you say I’m such a mess
That I’m a ball of sleeze?
Tell me more about myself
But please do not say please.

woes of rest

I tried to rest on my laurels
I tried to rest on the couch
I tried to rest on a bed of nails
But I just kept on saying ouch

I tried to rest in a corner
Stacked with dozens of soft pillows
I tried to rest all my arms and my legs
And my mouth and my eyes and my nose

I tried to rest on my backside
I tried to rest on my feet
I tried to rest on the top of a pole
And on an uncomfortable seat

I tried to rest in Kentucky
I tried to rest in Maryland
I tried to rest by laying low
And also by taking a stand

I tried to rest in my undies
I tried to rest in my sweats
I could try to rest in the casino room
But I would have to call off the bets

I tried to rest on the basis
Of my reputation fine
I tried to rest using sleeping pills
And gallons of bottles of wine

I tried to rest by the glow
Of the TV set in my room
I tried to rest by closing my eyes
And thinking about the moon

I tried to rest on some blankets
The softest of them are the best
But I tried and I tried and I tried and I tried
And I just couildn’t get any rest

the guests came uninvited

The guests came uninvited
The guests are in the house
They’ve scared off all the centipedes
They scared out every mouse

They’re hungry as the wind
They want to eat it all
I have to stop them quick
And so I sing my call:

“Don’t eat the furniture
Think before you quit
If you eat all the furniture
There’ll be no place to sit”

They can’t resist
Furniture is sweet
They don’t rest a moment
They start to eat

“Don’t eat the furniture
Don’t eat that chair
If you eat the furniture
There’ll be no furniture here”

They ate the furniture
They ate the bed
They ate the furniture
Despite what I had said

“You ate the furniture
You didn’t think to quiit
Now there’s no furniture
No place at all to sit.”

did i eat that?

I didn’t eat the bare brick wall
I didn’t eat my house up all
I didn’t eat the walls of wood
I didn’t think it tasted good
I didn’t eat up window frames
I didn’t cook it with some flames
I didn’t eat the whole wood floor
I didn’t eat the front and back door
I didn’t eat my furniture
Basted with my favorite hickory cure
I didn’t eat the rugs rolled up
I didn’t eat them in one gulp
I didn’t nibble like a mouse
I won’t eat up my neighbor’s house.