i am telling you the story

I am telling you the story
Of the toast and the two thirds
But I’ll have to use my numbers
For I did not bring my words

It all started on a Wednesday
Which is number eighty-three
And the characters are five and six
And eight and nine and me

We got in a situation
Which is number one oh two
And it won’t be twenty-five or three
What would a poor four do?

And the toast had ten sharp cheddars
Which is kind of a disease
For I ran out of my numbers
And I had to use my cheese.

I haven't seen Jason

I haven’s seen Jason in such a long time
We used to call Jason “Champ”
He used to do so well at all kinds of sports
But now he’s a parking ramp

He used to come first place in every race
Jason was so fleet of the feet
He pitched and he scored and he ran the football
But now he’s some piles of concrete

I did not recognize him on Saturday night
As we took a spot in his space
But as we drove off I saw so very clear
That ramp did have Jason’s squat face

Whenever I come up to Jason the ramp
He never says “Hi” or my name
I greet him with “Jason, how goes it today?”
But he doesn’t care to explain.

we had such thanksgiving dinner

We had such thanksgiving dinner
We ate more than we were able
To eat; in fact, we ate it all -
We also ate the table

It was there when we started
And filled with all our spread
But when dinner was ended
It wasn’t where we said

I don’t remember biting
Into the legs and all that wood
But we ate so many other things
If any would, we could

And now I think of Christmas
And future dinners to prepare
I’ll have to look for recipes
For carpet and for chair.

i forgot to say thank you on thanksgiving day

I forgot to say thank you on thanksgiving day
I said please, you’re welcome, and anoint
If you fail to say thank you on thanksgiving day
You’re missing the entire point

I didn’t thank Buster or Judy or George
For the delightful meal that they made
Nor did I the national department store chain
For showing me such a parade

I forgot to say thanks when they opened the door
And thank you again when they closed it
And I didn’t give thanks when they gave me three cheers
Tho in truth I must say I opposed it.

I didn’t thank Linda for washing the dishes
Or Gertrude for driving me home
And, here is another I really messed up,
Thanked you for reading this pome.

i went to the meeting

I went to the meeting
It was all the air and I
There were no other people
Not a single gal or guy

I called the meeting started
All the air kept very still
We made some tough decisions
We didn’t willy nill.

I kept to the agenda
The air didn’t seem to mind
But I disagreed on one point
And that put us in a bind

The air was the tie-breaker
But it would not side with me
So I tabled that one motion
On a technicality

We called the meeting over
Myself and all the air
And we prided our efficiency
As we got up from the chair.

war on feet

I do not have a reason
I sit here in my seat
I search for deeper meaning
I declare war on my feet

I need a demonstration
Of my powers of athlete
I raise my guns and weapons
And declare war on my feet

I need to bomb and mangle
And turn them into meat
And that is what I do when
I make war upon my feet

I need to hear the hush
And the silence of defeat
When I show my greater power
And win the war upon my feet

I need to see the multitudes
On the day that they will greet
When I return in victory
From my great war on my feet

i made some jelly

I made some jelly
To give to you
I made it from glue
And from an old shoe
I made some jelly
And now it’s done
It was shot from a gun
And it’s served in a bun

I made some jelly
And didn’t stop
I needed a prop
That was over the top
I made some jelly
And now it’s gone
I sang it a song
And it said so long

if i had a spoon

If I had a spoon
I could ride it to the moon
I could play the unknown tune
I could even eat my soup

If I had a spoon
I could read the ancient rune
I could ride the wild loon
I could eat all of my cereal

If I had a spoon
I could tame the wild goon
I could stand as tall as noon
I could eat all of my pudding

If I had a spoon
I could see the future soon
I could take up all the room
I could even stir my tea

mouth/brain race

The mouth and brain are at
The starting block today
The gun fires and they’re off!
The big race underway

The mouth pulls out ahead
Those lips can really flap
It easily bests the brain
By what must be a lap

The brain isn’t so sure
It has to think things out
If mouth weren’t so far ahead
“Go Brain!" is what I’d shout

At the finish line
Mouth has a victory grin
But those aren’t teeth, they’re toes;
Mouth has a foot within.

i gave a speech

I gave a speech
At the speaker’s talking hall
But when I was done
There was no applause at all

I gave my speech,
All the audience was rapt
But at my finale
Not a single person clapped

My speech was good
And especially that last phrase
Summed it up so well
It deserved some clapping praise

The odor then arrived
To the nose upon my head
Nobody clapped
Because my audience was dead

i don't have fifty millions

I don’t have fifty millions
Or a super sonic home
I just have my wishes
And this torn and tattered pome

I don’t have skyscrapers
Made of rigid Styrofoam
I just have some itches
And I have this stupid pome

I don’t have vast acres
On which my bike can roam
I just have this head cold
In addition to this pome

I don’t have a styling crew
That all my hair can comb
I just have my belly aches
And this somewhat tiresome pome

I don’t have enough nickels
To fill the astrodome
I just have a few more tissues
And the last words of this pome.

i am sinking in the sea

I am sinking in the sea
Because a whale struck my tub
And as I sink beneath the waves
I am singing rub a dub

I like to bathe at sea
Because adventure is for me
But when your bath is not on land
Things don’t always go as planned

A whale struck my bathtub
But it didn’t mean to do it
And now I’m sinking in the sea
Wearing just my birthday suit.

And so I’m singing as I sink
Into the depths of the great drink
For that is the fate of me
Who took his bathtub to the sea

a goat got in my throat

A goat got in my throat
And it is eating many an oat
And it is eating my old shoes
Its beard tickles when it chews

A goat got in my throat
And it is rowing a rubber boat
Going down my esophagus
While I’m riding on a bus

A goat got in my throat
And it’s wearing my favorite coat
It invited in the sheep
And I can’t get any sleep

A goat got in my throat
But I’m writing it a note
The note doesn’t say hello
It says the goat has got to go

the sun is a cucumber

The sun is a cucumber,
I know this fact quite well
And the football team will practice
In the bottom of the well
The weather calls for Charlie
The third floor is down below
And I read it in the paper
But which paper, I don’t know.

The war is made of matches,
The election is on ice
The moon manufactures napkins
And the naughty are all nice
The pope has no eyelashes
And the nurses have too many
And I read it in the paper
But which paper? Could be any

The rudest cads are charming
And the children have old age
And I know up is a downer
Cause I read it on some page
I know how many toenails
I know phlegm is served in shoes
I know everything is nothing
Cause I read it in the news

i purchased brand new curtains

I purchased brand new curtains
At the store, like anyone
I did not put them on the windows
I installed them on the sun

I used my longest ladder
And my insulated hat
Set the curtain rod on Mercury
And hung the drapes like that

I think the sun would like them
If it had a sense of taste
They have purple polka dots
And they are edged in fancy lace

If it’s morning, and I’m ready
For my shopping or my job
I can leave the curtains open
For myself, and Lynn and Bob

But if I am feeling tired
Or want to sleep in with my honey
I reach beyond the top clouds
And pull the curtains on the sunny

p.o.v.

I have many possessions
You have many, too
I have curtains, hands, eyelashes
But I lack a point of view

I am lacking in perspective
But that isn’t all so bad
If I do not have a viewpoint
I just really can’t get mad

It’s not that I can’t whistle
And you standing there I see
But the thing that I am lacking
Is a basic P.O.V.

Ask me my impression
And I’ll say that I have none
Ask me once again and I
Will say this pome is done.

i have my own space station

I have my own space station
I keep it in the shed
Once I get it into orbit
I will live in there instead

It has a space age kitchen
With a space age kitchen sink
It has a shiny toaster
That is completely made of zinc

It has a media center
And a long extension chord
Each tissue has a magnet
So it won’t go overboard

I’m not so good at plumbing
So the water doesn’t run
And it doesn’t have a light bulb
But there always is the sun

I will invite you over
For some space station tea
And we can play some checkers
In zero gravity

my house is a fast house

My house is a fast house
But it’s not as fast as yours
When you pass me on the right
We’ll wave from our Dutch doors

My house won some races
But that was long ago
These days my house goes trotting
When it wants to make a show

I put my house to pasture
But the ‘burbs just weren’t for it
My house prefers the busy lanes
And all that city grit

My house was such a good one
Until it saw that mouse
It startled so, it broke a leg
And I had to shoot my house.

i cannot leave the bedroom

I cannot leave the bedroom
For I’m lacking many a finger
I cannot turn the doorknob
So I think that I will linger

I cannot leave this city
For I do not have a ticket
I guess that I will join it
For it’s obvious I won’t lick it

I cannot leave the drug store
For I do not have my bearing
Between the aisles and boxes
I will do all of my daring

I cannot leave this planet
For I do not have a rocket
I will try to find amusement
With the contents of my pocket.

i had to call a plumber

I had to call a plumber
To fix some of my pipes
My body started leaking
And I had to yell out Cripes!

The plumber had a submarine
To plumb my inner space
He entered from the mouth hole
In the middle of my face

He updated me at intervals
I waited in between
He told me that the leakage
Was the worst that he had seen

He fixed all of my plumbing
And he didn’t make me ill
But then I had a heart attack
When he handed me the bill.

hope is the thing with mustard

Hope is the thing with mustard
We eat it in a bun
And if we still are hungry
We can have another one

Hope is the thing with slippers
She wears them late at night
And if you disagree with her
You never want to fight

Hope rises like the sunshine
To say it is the day
And if you tell me otherwise
I tell you it’s that way

Hope is the thing with pencils
So I can tell you so
It’s where we have to go to
When it is time to go

racing the sun

We’re ready at the starting block
The blazing sun and me
The spectators can’t watch
Because the sun’s too bright to see

The sun is sliding in the sky
While I run on the land
Neck and neck, we reach a town
And the folks give us a hand

By midday, we’re still even
But the sun is getting hot
Some might say the sun is cheating
But I say that it is not

By mid-afternoon, I’m fading
While the sun slides down so fast
The sun has opened up a lead
I don’t know if I’ll last

Sun reaches the horizon
And takes the light away
I can’t even see the finish line
What’s the use, anyway?

I’m so tired I don’t need a bed
All night I dream the burn
I might race the sun again some day
For little do I learn.

i'm watching myself closely

I’m watching myself closely
I think I am a spy
I find myself in closets
And looking way too sly
I have a sneaky kneecap
I have a private eye
I’m watching very closely
I think I am a spy

I’m starting not to trust me
Who am I spying for?
I’m lurking in the bedroom
Hiding behind the door
I’m sifting thru my underwear
And listening thru the floor
I don’t know if I trust me
Who am I spying for?

Some spies could sink the country
I have to spy on me
I could be spying for the French
Or for some enemy
I might be a secret agent
From XY or KGB
I cannot let me from my sight
I have to spy on me

time for the violins

The grey clouds of economy
Perform slow motion torture
And this global warming winter
Looks like it will be a scorcher
It’s time for the violins, the violins, the violins
It’s time for the violins and sax

Resounding vote for tyranny
By Californiacators
The comedian and the joker
Are tied with the potatoes
It’s time for the violins, the violins, the violins
It’s time for the violins and sax

The burning and the wasting
And the global suicide
Make me want to stand up tall
And very quickly hide
It’s time for the violins, the violins, the violins
It’s time for the violins and sax

the kids have me surrounded

The kids have me surrounded
They’re carrying a knife
They’re calling me their schoolyard names
They’re threatening my life

I really am much taller
They come up to my knees
But there just are so many
And they laugh at my pleas

They want all of my money
But I don’t have enough
They say they’ll stab my kneecaps
These children are so rough

If only I could fool them,
Distract them with some trick,
But the future holds me hostage
And I feel a little sick.

i didnt' get elected

I didn’t get elected
Tho I ran a clean campaign
The people didn’t vote for me
What are they all, insane?

I made the better promises
I didn’t criticize
And when I made my speeches
I looked into their eyes

I had a catchy slogan
And wrote it on my sign
And whose outfits were better
The answer? They were mine!

The votes have all been tallied
Election day is done
I might have done much better
If I’d actually run.

You don't have to vote

You don’t have to vote
if you’re a bagel with cream cheese
You don’t have to vote
if you’re the germ of some disease
You don’t have to vote
if you’re a ship on rocky shores
You don’t have to vote
if you’re the zero of some scores
You don’t have to vote
if you’re a tiny speck of dust
You don’t have to vote
if you’re some orange flaking rust
You don’t have to vote
if you’re a silly stuffed giraffe
You don’t have to vote
if you’re the chuckle of some laugh.
You might as well be all these things,
some toast, a germ, a boat
If you happen to be a person
and you fail to cast a vote.

Do Not Vote for Elbow

Do not vote for Elbow
He did not earn your vote
He does not practice hygiene
He smells just like a goat

His promises are empty
And few of them make sense
He promises more matches
And pickets for your fence

His negative campaigning
Is also so untrue
He does not smear his opponents
He smears both me and you

His speeches are ridiculous
And never seem to end
He looks so darn unfriendly
When he refers to you as “friend.”

He did not visit your town
By train or bus or boat
But if you decide to vote for him
I guess it is your vote.